A Valentine’s Note to My Mom
Feb 14, 2016
Dear Ma,
We spoke this morning — like most mornings — during my 40 minute walk to work. I, navigating the traffic — both food & vehicle — of San Francisco, and you, sanding down caulk in the house you and my step-dad are building in the Shenandoah Valley. We are almost 3,000 miles apart.
It’s nothing we haven’t dealt with before. In fact, hey — at least we’re in the same country now! The 3 hour time difference is nothing compared to the 5, and occasional 7, we previously endured. Not to mention how much easier it is to simply pick up the phone and tap call next to your name, rather than having to schedule Skype calls, or waiting for the weekends when we had free calls to US cell phones and landlines. Nowadays, WhatsApp even has a feature allowing calls within the app. And, of course, there’s FaceTime, not to mention all the various other app functionalities our iPhones have. It wasn’t so long ago we considered BBM a lifeline, because it allowed us to text.
Your retired lifestyle has spoiled me! No longer is my school schedule at odds with your work schedule. When I don’t get to spend my morning commute talking to you, I pout. Yes, I admit it. At 25 years old, I still pout. Sometimes. And, like I said — we’ve had it worse.
Yet somehow, the past few months have been equally easier and more difficult! It is for that reason that I wanted to take this opportunity to write you a Valentine’s letter. We both know what a commercial holiday Valentine’s Day has become, but love is love, and I want to share some love today.
Letter writing sometimes seems like a lost art. Everything is digitized these days — even Moleskines! Apparently they’ve developed technology designed to bring those of us who cannot live without pen & ink into the 21st century. Using a smart pen (compared the “dumb” pen I’m currently writing with…) and special paper, every word I write in one of those special Moleskines can be transposed digitally. Documents are even searchable. Supposedly.
I have to admit, it’s an exciting prospect for someone like me, whose creativity flows that much stronger with ink between my fingers and the soft touch of paper beneath my hand. (And it would have saved my having to type this up.) But I went off on a tangent… I had something very particular I wanted to tell you.
The last few months have been difficult. Really difficult. Dealing with health issues is nothing new for me. But dealing with them on my own is. Certainly, I don’t remember a single day in my life that hasn’t somehow been affected by eczema. Even the years that we had things under control, my strict diet and the consequences upon deviation were a reminder that I wasn’t normal, that I had to be more careful than most. And thank goodness we did get things under control when we did. In time for me to go to uni.
The last few months have given me a taster of what life might have been like had things with my eczema gone differently, had we not finally cut wheat and cow dairy out of my diet.
In 5 words — it would have been terrible.
Evenings spent out with friends, learning valuable lessons about myself, replaced with cold showers in a vain attempt to calm the hot itching; Lotioning and re-lotioning to stop the inevitable flaking; and waking up in the middle of the night to nightmare-ish anxiety attacks. All of the self-confidence, so painstakingly gained, crumbling at the slightest touch.
I had no idea how difficult it was to navigate these waters alone, how much I relied on you to bolster and support me. Let me not even dwell on the thought of if I hadn’t had as supportive a mom as you, dedicated to treating both the root causes, and symptoms, of my ailment, so that I could hope to live as normal a life as possible. Thank goodness even when purse strings were tight, you somehow were able to find a way to support the restrictions of my diet without my ever knowing it might have been difficult, and without sacrificing taste.
Quite in the way you taught me that not even the sky is the limit to my ambition, you taught me that it was still possible to eat food that tasted good, while having it also be good for me. Not everyone is so fortunate. Thank you.
This brings me to the present day. Since October, I have been poked and prodded by doctors seeking answers. I have tried a sugar free, dairy free, gluten free diet. Some days, the only thing that would settle my stomach were gluten free crackers and kombucha. (I’ve drunk a lot of kombucha these last few months…) Other days, the spasming of my colon felt like a baby kicking — or what I imagine that feels like — but without the inherent joy that brings with it. And then, on top of it all, my eczema came back worse than it has been in years.
After living 5 years abroad, and a 7 hour flight from you over that time, I had thought I was past the days of needing my mom. But there’s only so much that a person can take, especially one trying desperately to prove to herself her ability to function as a fully independent adult. The straw broke. I couldn’t take it anymore.
Luckily, I happened to be headed home to spend the holidays with you. But really, the worst came amidst baths of apple cider vinegar and sunflower oil, and attempts at baking gluten free banana bread.
Last week I had had enough. I began to wonder if all these well-intentioned doctors had it all wrong. The tests said I was allergic to nothing. Nothing! Quite a different prognosis from 11 1/2 years ago. Ten pounds lighter, skin dryer and angrier than it had been in high school, I looked deep into myself — and consulted with you — and decided to take another look at my diet. I decided to return to the regime that had worked for so long. I began to exfoliate my skin and moisturize with Weleda’s Iris day & night creams, as I had for years. And I started to reintroduce non-cow dairy (ok — I’ll admit I cheated and just reintroduced dairy. I mean, the allergy tests came back negative!), and use spelt flour, which is gluten-full.
Yesterday morning, I went for my first long run in 2016. It felt so good to run through the Presidio and along Crissy Fields again. Slow & steady, basking in the sun for a full 6.15 miles. And guess what — no spasming colon! My skin feels healthier within only a few days. My friends have even been commenting on it. Most important of all, I feel happy, healthy, and hopeful for the first time in months.
I hit rock bottom and I picked myself up. How? By trusting myself. How? Because of you.
Through love you taught me to listen and to trust myself, to love myself. For that I am supremely grateful.
So, on this day of love, I want to declare — thank you and I love you!
Love,
Your darling daughter
